Oct 22, 2008.
I go in circles today. I think, if someone asked me how I was and I answered that, that a conversation would then turn to commiseration and soft words. Circles do not feel wrong, but I feel as if wheels are rolling. My frantic turnings of the other day have calmed. I am left pleased that I can feel so strongly and chagrined that I let me run away with myself.
I feel I should relate the moments of the day, but they do not vary so much from the moments of any other day lately. The fog has been light and I have liked the weather, when I have looked out from Nima’s window. Pale and soft-looking, like shreds of reed puffs.
The question of rightness having occured to me, I have had no luck laying it to rest. I agree absolutely that Sev’s path has lain true and honorable before him, cut with the edges of a knife. The children follow where they are led, as honorable children must. Sev’s opinions about truth, justice, and freedom are, for once, in accord with his honor. He is in accord with his honor, something that sometimes he has seemed lost to. The weight of obligation and the weight of believing that our wars were incorrect has weighed on him. I now feel the same. My obligation remains clear, but do I believe that our war is correct? Sev has his correct war, and I wish to agree with him.
I was raised in a family of officers. We follow orders. I find it impossibly tangled to find my own feelings, in amongst those I feel I should feel and those I feel would make my loves happy. I think, of the wars, that Sev doesn’t like them. That my father likes them. That they are silly, prone to rebellions, ineffective, but do I think the empire expanding is wrong? Sev doesn’t like it. The Emperor is fickle. His methods destroy families. I do not like those who torture children.
I have achieved some measure of an opinion. Not, perhaps, a grand philosophical opinion suitable for discussion with the great, but a tidy one, that I feel I can defend to all comers. I am not settled, but I think I can sleep now.